


The day Donna Noble decided to punch Captain Jack Harkness in the face

by magicsophicorn



Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Comedy, Crack, Jack being Jack, Only shippy if you squint, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-30
Updated: 2020-09-30
Packaged: 2021-03-07 23:34:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,745
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26735974
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/magicsophicorn/pseuds/magicsophicorn
Summary: Strange energy readings are coming from the Temple of the Triodos, and the only way to infiltrate the building and investigate is for the gang to pretend to be a Priestly Trio.
Relationships: Tenth Doctor/Jack Harkness/Donna Noble
Comments: 2
Kudos: 5





	The day Donna Noble decided to punch Captain Jack Harkness in the face

“What? No that can’t be right…”

The Doctor was doing his confused frowny face that meant that he was about to go into a big, long-winded, science-y explanation that would make no sense to anyone but him.

“Why are there high levels of artron energy on this planet? They don’t even have space travel yet, let alone time-travel. That can’t be right.”

Donna watched as the Doctor flipped switches and pulled handles on the Tardis console. She swore he was just doing it for show and none of the buttons actually _did_ anything.

“There’s definitely artron energy there. We’re going to have to go and investigate that. Can’t have artron energy floating around, that’s dangerous stuff, that is.”

He flicked a few more switches then grinned his big dopey ‘we’re about to go do something dangerous’ grin.

“Allonsy!”

The Doctor pulled down the big lever and the TARDIS engines rushed to life with their familiar whooshing noise.

A loud bang echoed round the control room and Donna felt her feet leave the floor.

“Uuuh… Doctor!”

She felt herself float gently upwards and she grabbed onto the control panel to stop herself ending up on the ceiling.

“On it! Sorry! Just got to fix the gravity dampeners!”

He proceeded to inch his way around the console with his hands, his legs floating up in the air behind him.

It was actually quite fun floating in zero gravity. Donna was just considering letting go of the console to go for a float around when the doctor yelled ‘aha!’, something sparked, and they both crash landed face first onto the floor.

That was a lot less fun.

“I hate you, Doctor,” she groaned, as she rolled onto her back and attempted to sit up.

“No you don’t,” he said cheerfully, his head popping up over the other side of the console.

“What happened?”

The doctor’s frowny face was back as he studied the lights and dials on the console.

“Hmm, the artron energy is disrupting the TARDIS’ systems.”

He pushed a button and a shimmery blue hologram of a building appeared.

“The energy source is somewhere in there, the Temple of the Triodos. The TARDIS can’t get us in so we’ll have to go in on foot. Only problem is they’re notoriously secretive, no one is allowed in.”

Donna watched the hologram as a woman in a beautiful purple robe, with a man on either side of her, wearing what were essentially loincloths, walked up the steps of the temple and entered the door.

“Well they were allowed in…”

“Oh! Oh yes! Donna Noble you are clever!”

Donna wasn’t sure what she had done to deserve the praise, but she’d take it.

“We’ll need some help though… and I know exactly the man for the job!”

\----------------------------------------

“I’m sorry, you’re going to pretend to be my what now?”

Donna was stood, hands on hips, facing the Doctor and Captain Jack Harkness. The latter had that smarmy grin on his face that made Donna simultaneously want to punch him and kiss him. He was infuriatingly handsome and he knew it.

“Your husbands,” Jack said, his grin stretching wider, “isn’t that right darling?”

The Doctor’s expression was less enthusiastic when he continued to explain.

“The Priestesses of the Triodos each have two husbands who accompany her at all times, if we want to get into that temple we’re going to have to pretend to be a Priestly Trio.”

Donna remembered the people she had seen entering the hologram and a terrible thought occurred to her.

“Does this mean you two are going to have to wear those loincloths?

“Unfortunately, yes,” the Doctor said, at the same time as Jack happily exclaimed, “Oh yes!”

“This is the worst idea you’ve ever had,” Donna muttered to the Doctor as she slipped the purple robe on over her clothes.

“Uh, there’s one more thing…” the Doctor said, and he then held up what were essentially two pairs of handcuffs, but with a slightly longer chain in the middle of the them.

“Your husbands really do accompany you at ALL times…” Jack said, looking way too excited about those damn handcuffs.

Donna stared at them in disbelief.

“Just… kill me now.”

\-------------------------------------

“Stop fidgeting!” Donna hissed to the Doctor as they approached the Temple doors.

“I’m sorry, I’m really not used to wearing this little clothing!” The Doctor hissed back, still tugging at his loincloth.

He was such a skinny bean-pole of a figure the loincloth really didn’t suit him. It didn’t help that he looked so uncomfortable in it too.

Jack on the other hand, was strutting along as if this was his everyday outfit, winking at everyone they walked past. Donna hoped her fake priestly husbands weren’t expected to be faithful, since Jack clearly would not be capable of that.

They eventually made their way up the steps of the temple and to the giant carved gold doors.

Thankfully the Doctor had briefed her on what to say.

“Share in the blessings of the three,” she said to the guards, who nodded and opened the doors, allowing them in.

Well that was easier than she had been expecting.

As soon as they were out of sight the Doctor pulled out his sonic screwdriver, and where he had been keeping _that_ in his loincloth, Donna really did not want to know. No wonder he had seemed so uncomfortable earlier.

He scanned the area and immediately set off down a corridor to the left, dragging Donna, and by extension Jack, by the handcuffs.

“Do we really still need to be handcuffed together” She huffed as they hurried along.

“Of course,” Jack said, grinning widely and clearly loving every second of this, “We might need to resume the ruse at a moments notice. Ooh, and if we really want to sell it, we could share a marital kiss. I’m a very good kisser you know.”

He raised an eyebrow and Donna rolled her eyes.

“Let me guess, lots of practice?”

He just grinned in response.

\----------------------------------------

After what felt like wandering around in circles for hours, the Doctor eventually stopped at a big metal door, his sonic screwdriver protesting loudly.

“Aha! The artron energy readings are coming from behind that door.”

He didn’t even wait a moment before opening it, despite not knowing what was on the other side. No wonder he was always running for his life.

They all barrelled in through the door, not that they could have done otherwise since they were all still handcuffed together.

The room was bare apart from one inhabitant, who was lounging on a chair like the emperor of Rome, and Donna could not have been more confused.

“What?!? No. What?!?”

Apparently neither could the Doctor.

Lounging on the chair was Captain Jack Harkness.

But Captain Jack Harkness was still handcuffed to her right arm.

“Oh hey guys, I’ve been waiting for you.”

Jack on the chair grinned.

“What are you doing here, now?” The Doctor demanded, sounding more annoyed than Donna had ever heard.

“Oh Doctor, aren’t you pleased to see me?”

The Doctor huffed.

“Always… But not if you cause a tear in the fabric of time and the universe by travelling where and when you’re not supposed to!”

Jack laughed.

“I knew you liked me really. Don’t worry, time and the universe are perfectly safe.”

“Then what are you doing here?”

Jack on the chair stood up and walked towards them. As he got closer Donna could see slight flecks of grey in his hair. This was clearly an older, future version of Jack.

“Well, I remembered this, I mean how could I forget, so I couldn’t pass up the chance to see you boys in your loincloths now could I?”

Future Jack winked at handcuffed Jack, who of course winked back.

“I’m sorry, are you flirting with yourself?” Donna asked. Although even as she said it she knew the answer was of course, yes, yes he was.

“Don’t worry, you look beautiful too Donna,” future Jack said, making a finger gun motion at her.

She hated that a part of her found it a little bit charming.

“Wait,” the Doctor said, her brow creasing, “so that artron energy was just from you coming here, in order to make us come here and investigate… so that you could see us in loincloths? Are you out of your mind?!?”

Future Jack took a few steps backwards.

“Well when you put it like that it does sound a little irresponsible, I’ll admit…”

“You could have broken time itself!”

“But the important thing is, I didn’t.”

The Doctor opened his mouth ready to yell at Jack again but he never got the chance.

A loud siren started blaring through the building.

_“Intruder alert. Intruder alert.”_

Future Jack grinned again.

“Oh well, time’s up I suppose. Doctor, Donna, _Jack_ , always a pleasure.”

He fiddled with the big leather cuff on his wrist for a bit then looked back up at them.

“I’d run if I were you. Did you know they use Garillion hounds as their guard dogs here? Nasty things.”

He saluted them all, tapped his wrist device, and disappeared in a whoosh of yellow energy.

The Doctor rounded on Jack.

“I cannot believe you would…”

“In my defence I haven’t done it yet!” Jack interrupted.

“Still…”

Donna tuned out the sound of the Doctor berating Jack. She could hear a terrible slobbering sound at the end of the corridor. She did _not_ want to meet whatever was making it.

“Umm, DOCTOR!”

He stopped yelling at Jack and turned to face her.

“What?”

“I think it’s time to go!”

He paused, and must have heard the same thing she did because he grimaced.

“Oh right, yes, RUN!”

Before she knew what was happening both the Doctor and Jack had taken off down the corridor, pulling her along with them.

Donna panted, trying hard to keep with up them, her arms stretched out in front of her like a cartoon zombie as she was pulled along by them.

“You know, this would be so much easier if we weren’t HANDCUFFED TOGETHER!” She yelled.

Jack glanced back over his shoulder and grinned at her.

“If you think that’s bad, try running in a loincloth!”

That was the moment that Donna decided that as soon as they were no longer running for their lives, or handcuffed together, she was going to punch Captain Jack Harkness in the face. And it would be good.


End file.
